1: So there was this wedding happening in Cana and Jesus’ Mom was going.
2: Jesus and the boys got an invite.
3: They showed up and they were all like, “We gon’ get our drink on! Holla!” But Jesus’ Mom was like, “They got no drank!”
4: And Jesus wasn’t having none of that so he was like, “Captain Buzz Kill, who asked you? Don’t you know who I am?”
5: And then Mary, knowing Jesus’ need to get down as well as perhaps fearing for what the boys might to if they don’t get their drink on told some of the wedding staffers, “Do what the bearded man says, else there’s gonna be some shit.”
6: Next thing you know there’s six stone pots that could carry two to three firkins apiece sitting at the feet of Jesus and the crew. Now, a firkin is basically a shit ton of liquid, or butter, or soap depending on where you come from, but when it comes to liquid, it’s a shit ton. Unless of course you’re using the term in the context of wooden buckets, but this is unlikely. At least as unlikely as throwing a wedding with only six 10” x 10” wooden buckets worth of wine (lame!). So it’s more or less safe to assume that we’re referring to the 318 litres “firkin”. Like I said, a shit ton.
7: Jesus told the people to fill the pots up with water. Just a reminder, in case you didn’t do the math, this is, like, 1,908 litres of liquid. Or, like, 504 gallons. Or, like, 8,065 8 ounce glasses of some merlot. Now that’s a party amirite?!
8: Then Jesus told them to pour themselves some of that vino.
9: The guy throwing the party got the first glass, because it was a classy affair and there was an order to these things or whatever and guess what he found out? That water wasn’t no water at all, it was wine. He was totally pumped about this and must have drank it really fast because he called the groom over and wouldn’t shut his trap about it:
10: “Mos’ guys ‘r like, bringin’ you wine ‘n tryin’ be all Great Gatsby on you ‘n shit, but when you drinkin’ lots you can’t tell if it’s shit or actually good or nuttin’. But this here’s actually damn good! Fer realskies.”
11: So Jesus pulled this stunt at a wedding and everyone thought he was the cat’s pajamas because the guy made 8,065 glasses of wine appear out of seemingly nowhere.